When trying to be direct do you often come across as too strong?

Are you being called pushy, rude, insensitive or assigned other such labels?

You may like to say things as they are because beating around the bush is not your style. But an honest and direct communication that lacks compassion can leave others feeling hurt, angry and annoyed.

When others perceive disrespect in a conversation, they either shut down or turn defensive. When you come across too harshly, others can secretly hate you. Instead of enabling collaboration, such conversations can damage relationships.

There’s a fine line between being direct and being inconsiderate. Stepping over the line from directness to rudeness is easy if you don’t pay attention to your communication style.

For example:

• Direct: You have not applied good coding practices which makes it hard to read and understand your code.

• Inconsiderate: Your code sucks. You are a terrible coder.

• Direct: I have too many things on my plate right now. I won’t be able to help you at the moment.

• Inconsiderate: Can’t you see that I am neck deep in work? Stop bugging me.

• Direct: I think your idea may not work in certain scenarios. Can we run it through a few use cases I have in mind to evaluate its feasibility?

• Inconsiderate: Your idea will never work. Instead, here’s what I suggest ..

‘Telling it like it is’ can make you a jerk if you focus only on stating the truth without caring about the pain it can cause others. Honesty is admirable only when it doesn’t hurt.

When we say something that nourishes us and uplifts the people around us, we are feeding love and compassion. When we speak and act in a way that causes tension and anger, we are nourishing violence and suffering.

— Thích Nhất Hạnh

The art of expressing yourself effectively requires communicating with care so that your message is not just received but also respected and valued. Here’s how to stand up for yourself without being misconstrued as rude or controlling:

Pay attention to your words

Directness is tricky because it hits a person’s emotional system. Saying things that align with their views evokes happy feelings while conveying contradictory messages triggers negative reactions.

The biggest mistake people make when being direct is not paying attention to the words they use.

• This is never going to work.
• You’re being short-sighted.
• This is a foolish mistake.

Language like this is bound to put others off and instantly turn them against you. Offending others by passing personal remarks or trying to prove them wrong is a big no-no. They trigger intense negative feelings which puts them on the defensive:

1. Generalizing words like “always” and “never.”
2. Enforcing words like can’t, shouldn’t, must, obey, have to.
3. Words that challenge their character like bad, demanding, unprofessional, rude.
4. Passing judgment with words like mistake, failure, unacceptable.

When being direct, you have to be super careful with the words you choose.

Avoid words that sound judgmental or have the potential to be misinterpreted. Don’t come across too strong. Talk about the problem without making it personal. Express your concerns in a non-judgmental neutral tone.

Highly educated people also tend to place a great deal of value on logic and discount the importance of emotion. You can’t win a debate with an emotional argument, of course, but conversation is not debate and human beings are inherently illogical. We are emotional creatures. To remove, or attempt to remove, emotion from your conversation is to extract a great deal of meaning and import

- Celeste Headlee

In short, be considerate. Think carefully about the effect of what you say and avoid emotionally charged words which makes direct conversation ineffective. Balance honesty with empathy. Articulate your thoughts while being mindful that it doesn’t lead to interpretation that disrupts peace or causes misunderstandings.

Balance opinion with inquiry

When you don’t agree with someone or have a different point of view, instead of attacking, imposing and rushing with your opinion, start with curiosity.

Ask questions to understand their point of view:

• What evidence supports their argument?
• What other possibilities exist?
• What are the risks and assumptions?
• How would they solve it?

Don’t we all know how to ask questions? Of course we think we know how to ask, but we fail to notice how often even our questions are just another form of telling—rhetorical or just testing whether what we think is right. We are biased toward telling instead of asking because we live in a pragmatic, problem-solving culture in which knowing things and telling others what we know is valued.

— Edgar H. Schein

Rushing with your opinion is bound to attract resistance instead of getting the attention your thoughts and ideas deserve. Showing curiosity to understand others creates the possibility of a healthy dialogue where information can be shared and embraced.

For example:

• Instead of: You always come late to meetings. Your behavior will spoil others in the team too.

• Say this: In the last 2 meetings, I noticed that you came 10-15 minutes after the meeting started. How can you come to meetings on time and set a good example for others?

• Instead of: You have to let other people speak up in discussions. Not letting others speak is rude.

• Say this: Hearing diverse viewpoints will help us make better decisions. How can you encourage more participation from others in discussions?

Be direct by leading with questions, not judgments and opinions. You’re more likely to be heard and more likely to reach a common consensus instead of ending up with conflicts.

Back it up with evidence

Direct communication often involves strong opinions—you firmly believe in something and don’t see how others can think any other way.

• Let’s do it this way …
• It doesn’t make sense.
• I am 100% confident this will work.

But when you share your viewpoint without providing the context or describing how you reached a certain conclusion, instead of a valuable opinion, it may come across as arrogance.

Substantiating your straight-out opinion by backing it with credible sources of information, experiments or other relevant data can make your claims less resistant and more likely to be heard and accepted.

For example:

• We conducted several experiments last month. Data shows that [share key data points]. In my opinion, a better solution to implement will be …

• I think what you’re suggesting may not work. Here’s why …

• I am highly confident this will work because …

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

— Carl Sagan

Be candid without entering the realm of arrogance by explaining your thought process, thereby giving an opportunity to others to make sense of your words.

Mix confidence with humility

Confidence is required to assert your opinion, but what if in trying to appear confident, you forget to practice humility?

Projecting confidence in your tone, words and body language can instantly get you others attention, but confidence without humility soon turns repulsive.

Confidence, how much you believe in yourself is important. But, humility to know where you fall short is just as important. What can breed arrogance through unshakeable confidence is avoided by humility.

Confident humility is having faith in our capability while appreciating that we may not have the right solution or even be addressing the right problem. That gives us enough doubt to reexamine our old knowledge and enough confidence to pursue new insights.

— Adam Grant

Direct communication without confident humility is a recipe for disaster. Your confidence which should make your communication easy and receptive can have an opposite and undesirable effect without humility.

Don’t abuse power

You may be more knowledgeable, more experienced or hold a better job title, but that’s not reason enough for others to listen to you.

• I’m more experienced. I know this better.

• I’m your senior. My opinion should matter.

• Take my feedback seriously. I am your manager.

Authority can give you the power to make the final decision, it can make you win an argument, but it can’t get you others buy-in.

Ordering others and expecting them to follow you blindly kills their motivation and desire to help you succeed. It can turn them against you and make them refute everything you say or do.

Communication has power. But as with any form of power, it needs to be harnessed effectively or it can all too often backfire.

— Helio Fred Garcia

When making a point, exchanging ideas, sharing feedback or saying anything where directness is involved, don’t get your knowledge, experience and position mixed into the message. It doesn’t matter how much you know or how right you are. Being authoritative while being direct will instantly kill the conversation.

Summary

1. Directness in a conversation has its merits, but you’ve to pay attention to how you communicate because it’s easy to disrespect, offend and annoy others while being direct.
2. Using emotionally charged words when saying things as they are can make the other person defensive and turn them against you. To get direct without being rude, pay attention to the words you choose. Be non-judgmental and don’t make the conversation personal.
3. Your opinion will be less receptive when you try too hard to make others listen to you without taking the time to understand them first. Adding inquiry in the form of questions can make your directness less repulsive and more acceptable.
4. In direct communication, not providing the context or sharing details on how you reached a certain conclusion can make others misinterpret you or doubt your intentions. Explain the rationale behind your thinking to avoid being misjudged.
5. Confidence is important when being direct—it can instantly get you the attention. But without humility, confidence can turn into arrogance and make productive conversation highly unlikely.
6. Using your seniority, title, or experience mixed into the message is a bad strategy for direct communication. Instead of gaining trust and respect, it can make whatever you say even less valued.

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